My Thoughts

May 1: I'm not sure about dying. Most of the time though, I'm not too keen on life. I've just been letting shit fly by me way too fast lately. My life's a perpetual shade of cool. I don't think I'm here for the long run or anything, but the speed of life right now is fucking terrifying. I feel like such a pawn. An emotionless pawn, like an NPC in a video game. I may be a big rock solid piece of someone else's life, glowing and put together and glamourous, but to myself I'm empty and unresponsive and useless and concrete-filled. Something's wrong with my brain, I don't mean as in I'm homicidal and dangerous, I mean time isn't linear. I'm not here, the future, anywhere. Nothing is real. Fuck it, who gives a shit? Not me. I don't feel shit. Nothing, I'm past human. Nothing cracks my exterior. Not death, pain, pleasure, freaky shit, nothing. I'm as numb inside as I am outside. There's no me now. Nothing else either, it's all numbed and rubbed out. Right now I'm living as hard as I can to wake myself up. Efforts've been futile thus far. But again, nobody gives a shit about me, why should I deserve to feel real? For who...what? I'm as empty as the day is long. This is all acting. Nothing gets to me, I'm limp and stubborn. Indecisive and in a series of ideationesque thoughts. Not gonna do shit, don't worry universe. Not fucking up your plan. Do it all to me, gimme more, cuz nothing exists for me...You hurt me into this already. Game is on now, pain's hard to come by but plentiful when I find it hidden away. I don't see myself in a future.